Do I Deserve You?

Days we had spent looking at each other’s eyes.  Sharing thoughts, ideas and fantasies that no one knows. And then came the moment, the moment I admitted to myself that I had feelings for you – the feelings that came to my mind was: “What the hell?” You and me, the possibility of a “we” – could it happen? Two people from two different caste, community, from two different places. It was too foreign to me, too alien but what my mind refused to accept, my heart graciously embraced.

I honestly thought there’s no way in this life that I will ever deserve you. You in all your sunshiny optimism, your contagious desire, your charming smile, your disarming friendliness, your sense of humor, your heart-melting sincerity. How on earth will I be able to deserve someone like you?  Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I see someone who has coldly overridden upon your’s emotions; I see the personification of doubt and unbelief; I see someone who simply doesn’t deserve a goddess like you.

“WHEN THE TIME COMES”. I dont actually remember how and when the time came. I can’t pinpoint exactly when the turning point happened. All I can remember was one fateful day, I told myself that it’s time to forgive, get over my past, and move on. I realized that although I may not deserve you yet at this time, I need to work hard on deserving you. I’m working hard on my job, so someday you’ll be proud of my achievements. I’m making myself pure in thoughts and words and actions, because you deserve someone who will treat you with utmost love, respect and purity. I can’t say I’m not struggling, but I’m making a gradual progress. I want you to be proud of me when you introduce me to your family. I want you to feel protected when you hold my hand at a mall or while crossing roads. There are times when pain attacks me with negative thoughts, but I always talk myself into hoping for the bright future that lies ahead – a future with you.

Every day, I tell myself that I deserve you. It has become a mantra. Who knows, maybe as I keep believing and acting like someone who deserves you, maybe, just maybe, maybe you’ll think of me the same way too..